4 Reasons Film Trailers Are More Exciting Than The Films Themselves

It has been a good week for movie trailers, has it not? With the ever-likeable Chris Pratt looking concerned throughout the Jurassic Worlds and Recreation teaser, and yesterday’s big Star Wars nerdgasm that apparently drove everyone mad in supermarkets, 2015 looks to be an interesting year for blockbusters. To me, however, what is unequivocally more interesting is the fervent anticipation for the next trailer, whilst fans analyse the latest ones frame by frame. This phenomenon isn’t about the movie itself any more...

1) Trailers Aren’t Indicative Of Quality

I would argue that film trailers have evolved even more than films themselves over the last few decades – check out this 6 and a half minute trailer for Psycho if you haven’t before (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DTJQfFQ40lI). It’s the filmic equivalent of a historical tour, with Hitchcock himself as the star of the show. Nowadays, it’s all about mood, invoked by ambient soundtrack that builds to a dizzying crescendo, multiple fades to black and menacing diagetic voice over. We go nuts for it every damn time.

Trailers have a unique power to sway our opinions about something that probably isn’t even finished yet. If we’re expecting a movie to be terrible before we’ve seen anything, we’ll either find validation in a poorly made teaser, or surprise and hope if the trailer actually looks half decent. This level of emotional response is rarely equalled by the films themselves, simply because they’re longer and have more important things to deal with than just looking awesome. This often leads to films with amazing trailers being disappointing (haven’t seen the latest Godzilla yet, simply out of fear that it won’t live up), or terrible trailers being surprise hits (the fact that they were able to make a stunning film like Drive look like another Fast and the Furious is just downright upsetting).

2) Trailers Don’t Just Sell The Film

You watch a film. “So... that was a film”. You watch a trailer. “HOLY CUMBERBATCH, IT LOOKS LIKE IT COULD BE INCREDIBLE”. Why is this? Because it’s not the visuals or the actors or the soundtrack it’s selling, it’s the possibilities. People group up, analyse, argue, quote and review (?) every trailer going these days, because they’ve seen the money shots and now try to build their own stories around them (if the trailer hasn’t spoilt the entire movie already, that is). This sort of communal speculation is exactly why people were disappointed with the end of LOST (for the record, I totally wasn’t disappointed, but that’s an essay for another day) – anything the filmmakers come up with just won’t be as cool as what you had in your head for months.

On a more literal level, film trailers can actually sell entire franchises to people. This time last year, I recall wanting to see the Hunger Games: Catching Fire because the trailer actually made it look pretty good (turns out it was pretty good, so kudos for a surprisingly accurate trailer). I hadn’t even seen the first one, because, ultimately, I wasn’t impressed by that trailer. So, I watched the first one and then immediately went to the cinema to check out the new one. Now, with the third movie hitting the screens, coupled with even better trailers again, I’m in the bizarre position where I feel “franchise loyalty”, despite not being a diehard fan from the start, or any real anticipation beyond what the trailers give me.

3) Trailers Present Opportunity For Change In The Finished Product

Think for a moment about how television works, particularly in America. They have a “pilot season” whereby they show the first episodes of new shows to audiences, and, based on the reception, judge whether or not the series will be picked up for a full season order. Films don’t have this particularly brutal luxury of “quality control”, as production of the film is pretty unanimously a fixed amount of time to achieve the entire piece. While a system where the industry only ever makes trailers and then decides whether to make the full films based on audience reaction is fun in theory, it doesn’t really make much sense logistically.

Instead, however, any controversy or universal flaw pointed out in a film trailer can sometimes lead to change within the film itself, provided it’s still in production. Take the voice of Bane in The Dark Knight Rises – reportedly the sound mix changed from trailer to trailer and from test screen to test screen based on continually baffled audiences, and you still need a PHD in Listening to understand the final film. Not everything can be “fixed in the edit” though, as a string of recent film trailers have taken flack for “whitewashing” characters (there were boycotts for Noah, and possibly will be for Exodus: Gods and Kings and for Rooney Mara playing Tiger-Lily in Pan). I guess my point is, logistics aside, the opportunity is there...

4) Trailers Are Free To Watch

Sure, this point may be a little reductive, but the main purpose of a trailer from an audience’s perspective rather than a marketer’s is simply to decide “do I want to pay money to see this movie?” I’m not going to get into a one man debate about the ins and outs of illegal downloading here, so let’s stick with the classic “cinema going” model (and what a fine model she is). As cinema prices get higher and higher, the majority of society is becoming less inclined with rolling the dice and seeing a movie they know nothing about on a whim. Cinemas sell themselves as an “event”, and rightly so, given the unbeatable feeling of witnessing movies on the big screen, with the sound pounding against your chest like a music festival.

But that setting needs to be earnt by the film in our eyes. How many times in the last year have you said to a friend / family member / enemy, “it looks pretty good, but I’ll probably see it on DVD when it comes out”? We have to be selective about what deserves our money and time, because there’s simply so much to choose from these days. Reviews can be useful, but are usually too divided to get a clear picture, which is why you see everyone plastering new trailers over social media rather than Mark Kermode’s latest musings. They’re free to watch, free to share, barely take up our time and can create hype beyond what the film itself can do. It’s like being more excited about your Christmas present while it’s still wrapped up under the tree.

James Cottle, after studying Scriptwriting for 4 years, is now an embittered real life freelance writer, and seeks to unlearn everything he knows. But he needs your help... Follow him on Twitter @Jxmxsc and share this blog to help spread his anarchic plight for reform amongst the writing masses.

10 Things That All Writers Should Be Thankful For

Let me start by saying a very British (read: unconvincing) “Howdy” to our American brethren this week, as the annual holiday of Thanksgiving rears its grateful head tomorrow. It’s a time for self reflection, appreciating those around you and eating huge plates of cooked poultry (not clear on the history and why that’s tradition, but I’ll allow it). Perhaps then, it’s about time we started recognising the tradition here. I’m only talking about writers though – I’m sure most normal Brits will just claim to be thankful for the NHS, Ant and Dec, and Harry Potter (in the desperate, undying hope that it’s actually based on a real story).

1) We Are Our Own Bosses

For the most part, of course. Bottom line - the responsibility of getting stuff done, whether for yourself or someone you made up, always falls on your own shoulders. Your timetable can be as fluid or as structured as you like, so long as you’ve got a deadline. Your working day can start at 6pm with pyjamas as the required dress code and an unlimited supply of Doritos to fuel your productivity. The best part of the job? You can’t fire yourself. Trust me, I’ve tried.

2) We Are In Demand

Content is needed everywhere these days, whether it be for books, radio, theatre, TV, film, games, websites, mobile or cave paintings. There may be an abundance of aspiring writers out there looking for an outlet, but there’s also a literal buttload of outlets out there looking for aspiring writers. If you can increase your chances of getting that “right place / right time” opportunity, then you’ll soon find yourself in a gratifying position of power as your creation begins to come to life.

3) The Inspiring Content Already Out There

The Glass Half Empty approach would be to say “Son of a- Why didn’t I think of that idea first?!” or, even worse, “Hey! They did my idea before I even finished writing it”. We have to let go of these bitter stipulations (unless Colin Firth is involved) and use the produced content as a springboard for our own ideas. Film and TV are constantly raising the bar of quality, and we owe it ourselves to keep up so we can still reach the alcohol (at least, that’s the kind of bar I think of).

4) We’re Free To Create Anything We Want

Think for a second about how many other jobs let you create anything you want from the ground up, unhindered by higher powers... I can count them on my fingers (granted, I have seven hands). Feeling Childish? Write a vibrant kids TV show. Feeling Masochistic? Write a torturous horror film. Feeling Childish and Masochistic? Write a movie for Michael Bay. The choices are endless, and they are yours alone to make.

5) We’re Part Of A Supportive Community...

I maintain that the more writers you know personally, the more fulfilling your career will be. Sure it’s great to know the big-shots, the producers, the directors, etc., but having allies in your discipline can be immensely useful. Your fellow writers can provide feedback, offer advice, inform you of opportunities, advise you against certain projects, be a shoulder to cry on, be a shoulder to lean on while inebriated, etc... And, of course, you have the privilege of returning the favour.

6) ... That Happens To Be Super Competitive

There’s nothing wrong with a bit of healthy competition to light a fire underneath your productivity magic carpet.  In fact, writing competitions can often be your best way to start and get a foot in the door, so you almost have to have a desire for victory from the get go. Of course, gloating and outright sabotage are more than frowned upon, so keep yourself in check. Your eventual win will be all the more satisfying if you got there fair and square.

7) Any Work That We’ve Been Fortunate Enough To Have Produced

However you ended up getting there, having something you’ve written get made, and, more importantly, having something you’ve written get made well is something to be very thankful for. A story doesn’t actually feel that real until you have something to show for it. Plaster it over social media, stick it on your CV, trick a security guard to play it on a digitised billboard in Times Square – if you’re proud of it, then let the world see it.

8) Seeing Stories In Everything

This may sound like a tormenting Beautiful Mind-esque gift / curse, but, in truth, there’s nothing more exciting to me than getting ideas from the world around me. Sometimes you just outright lift a situation straight from reality; other times just seeing an ordinary person or object triggers a mental image of something completely unrelated. It’s a bizarre trait we have, which probably isn’t even scientifically quantifiable, but it’s nice to be an anomaly every once in a while. Speaking of which...

9) No Two Writers Are The Same

With more practical, non-vocational careers, there’s a tendency to see each person as interchangeable. Obviously, that isn’t the case, as we’re all unique (some more than others), but with writers, our uniqueness is celebrated. It’s a selling point. Over my Uni career alone, I must have met several hundred aspiring writers, and pretty much all of them are wonderfully, bizarrely unlike any of the others. Did I happen to mention that we were all insane?

10) We’re Insane

This isn’t some sort of excuse, but being a little weird and seeing the world differently to everyone else almost feels like a “Get Out Of A Boring Life Free” card. Becoming a writer is definitely one of the least secure careers you could aim for, particularly financially, so it takes a certain kind of insanity to take it on and keep smiling. That, to me, can only be a good thing, and so, this Thanksgiving, I’m ultimately thankful that we can continue to be absolutely bonkers.

And thanks for reading!

James Cottle, after studying Scriptwriting for 4 years, is now an embittered real life freelance writer, and seeks to unlearn everything he knows. But he needs your help... Follow him on Twitter @Jxmxsc and share this blog to help spread his anarchic plight for reform amongst the writing masses.

4 Weird Dialogue Tips That Actually Mostly Work

Anyone who has taken any sort of course or workshop in creative writing will know there are a number of “rules” when it comes to the excretion of dialogue. As one of the three Ds of Scriptwriting (Description, Dialogue, Despair), the manner in which each creative conduit channels conversation can dramatically vary. While every seasoned writer will tell you that dialogue furthers plot, reveals character, complements tone, makes us laugh, cry or become amateur film critics, here are a number of weird little tips I’ve put together, just to add a little bit of hot sauce to your character’s enchilada.

1) (Almost) Never Start A Sentence With “I”

Believe it or not, one of the most used words (or, more specifically, letter pretending to be a word) in the English language is actually the root of many dialogue problems people encounter. Why? Because it’s a shortcut to quick exposition or “telling” rather than “showing” – something I’ve been told is very important when it comes to screenwriting, but, ironically, have never implicitly been shown. Breaking it down from a “fun” grammar point of view, “I” is mostly followed by a verb (“I ate”, “I want”, “I extradited”, etc.), which immediately sets your dialogue on a path towards Expositionville, USA or Borington, UK.

Of course, this isn’t a universal rule. Perhaps you have a vain, self-centred character who filters their experience of the world through their own self-admitted awesomeness. Perhaps it’s the crux of a punchline in a comedic exchange (e.g. “Nothing good ever came from Borington, UK”, “I was born in Borington, UK”). Perhaps you just don’t give a hoot. I just think that it pays to think of an alternative way to express your character’s opinions / thoughts / recollections that doesn’t rely on starting a sentence like I just did. Frank and Nancy said it best when they sang “and then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like ‘I extradited you’”.

2) Do Plot Quickly, Do Character Slowly

A few years back, I wrote a time travel TV pilot. Despite still having an unhealthy obsession over the continuing story to this day, I hit a writing block when I reached the most important scene – introducing the time machine, and, as a result, the entire concept of the show. Simultaneously, the episode’s main character now finds himself with the opportunity to potentially bring his dead daughter back to life. Naturally, the laughs in the scene came thick and fast. However, once the fix hit me recently, it seemed super obvious...

Done! If you get the plot points out the way quickly, maybe even disguising them within single visuals or character interactions, the audience has way more time to get to know and start caring for the actual people in your story. Any plot point that has to be delivered by dialogue because it’s too conceptual to show visually (e.g. “We have a time machine.”) needs to boiled down to its simplest form. If you spend any longer than the bare minimum saying something, then it becomes exposition. Not to say that “we have a time machine” isn’t exposition – it’s just far more forgivable and blunt enough to almost be comedic in its delivery.

3) Different Characters Refer To Things / People Differently

This one may seem like a no-brainer or an obvious rule or child’s play or a total pushover, but, as I’ve just proved, there can be loads of different ways to articulate the same thing. A fun exercise (with the emphasis on “exercise”) that I like to do is to make a massive map of all of my characters in my story and draw lines between them. After showing this to major studios, the best they could do was stick it on their kitchen fridge and pat me on the head, so I realised there needed to be a little more to it. Along those connections between each and every character, you write how they refer to one another, whether it be their name, a shortening, a nickname, a recurring insult, etc. Suddenly, you’re saying so much more about both people involved.

Naturally, you want some level of consistency here and there. There’s no point in having a character called John and only ever calling him Johnny, John-O, J-Dog, the J-Man, J-Nizzle and Yoghurt-Nose. In the early stages of your story, try and stick to actual names so the audience gets to know who is who. After that, you can start to really play around once the relationships begin to develop between characters. The same goes for locations and important props / MacGuffins within the story world. Also, if you’re going to name a character, be sure that they are actually referred to by that name ideally within the first 10 pages of their debut. No sense in being like, “Oh yeah, this is Bartholomew” after 45 minutes, unless you want it to feel like one of those awkward networking dinner parties where everyone mumbles their own name.

4) Deliberately Write Too Much Dialogue

Sacrilege! Heathen! Cast the one who spake against “Show, Don’t Tell” into the Firey Exposition Pits from when they came! Relax, my dear dialogue zealot friend. Whilst I wholeheartedly agree that film is a visual medium, in that I use my eyes to watch it, at the same time, there’s a tangible suspension of disbelief required when characters who really should be talking to each other just... aren’t. Here’s a fact about the real world – people talk a lot. Granted I might not go spouting off my central heating problems to every stranger on the bus who’ll listen, but the majority of time I spend with people I know, we’re talking about stuff and not doing a whole lot else.

If you’re trying to make the next Drive, then, by all means, long staring silences are fine, but if you strive for some semblance of realism, then absolutely go nuts with dialogue. Write it how you would have a normal conversation, with tangents, hesitations, overlaps, overly-long descriptions and, most importantly, a natural flow. That is when you begin to edit. Setting yourself the pre-emptive parameters of sticking mostly to visuals before you undertake a script can skew the flow of conversation, as characters only converse in robotic, monosyllabic clauses. By having the natural flow already in place, over-writing before neatening the edges becomes like the act of trimming a hedge, rather than somehow building one from the ground up.

James Cottle, after studying Scriptwriting for 4 years, is now an embittered real life freelance writer, and seeks to unlearn everything he knows. But he needs your help... Follow him on Twitter @Jxmxsc and share this blog to help spread his anarchic plight for reform amongst the writing masses.

If Writers Had Their Own Reality TV Shows...

A famous man once said, “I want to be famous”. So he went on Reality TV and failed miserably, but ultimately succeeded in his dream. A year later, however, he was nothing more than a distant memory, and such is the nature of stardom. Whilst these shows cater towards aspiring singers, dancers, businessmen, prospective dates and dog jugglers, there’s a considerably absent niche in the form of writers, some of whom so desperately seek a platform to showcase their work that they’re willing to debase themselves on live television. Let me slap you in the face with some possible show examples.

1) The Writer's Got Voice and Talent Factor

Covering all of the X-Factor / The Voice / Britain’s Got Talent bases, TWGVATF is a chance for Joe Public to get up on stage, in front of an industry panel and a borderline bi-polar studio audience, and pitch their latest idea. The “auditions” will be a fun blend of spectacular showstoppers and downright dismal disasters, before a lucky 16 will be taken to “Das Boot Camp” and mentored by one of the four judges – Tina Fey, Quentin Tarantino, Joss Whedon and Larry David. From there, the contestants will have to come up with new themed ideas each week, as they get eliminated one by one. The winner will have their movie / TV show produced over the next 12 months and released the following Christmas, praying for a box office #1.

Sounds pretty good, right? Of course, the real draw will be the emotional drama the contestants have to endure, sharing a house with one another, as well as revealing their sad back-stories to the camera in private (before being broadcast out to millions of viewers). Equally, the playful “banter” between the judges will be a big draw, as their competitive streaks come out, prompting numerous practical jokes and, inevitably, some angry and awkward social faux pas. There will be spinoff versions across the globe, including TWGVATF Australia, Romania and Tibet. The show is a huge cash cow, basically, and it won’t stop until it has milked all of those financial teats completely dry.

2) The Writing Partner

“Charlie Brooker is on the hunt for his brand new writing partner. Ready to fight for his bitter approval, 12 aspiring creatives. On the table, a quarter million pound investment and a 50/50 partnership with Britain’s toughest filmmaker. It’s a deal worth fighting for. 12 candidates, 12 tough weeks, 1 life changing opportunity. The Writing Partner.” Intercut that with footage of Charlie Brooker angrily pointing, laying on scathing put-downs and people generally being incompetent, and we’re on to a winning format.

Each of the candidates has applied to the show with a resume and a potential feature film idea that they want to co-write and produce with Brooker. Over the course of the process, candidates are whittled down as they repeatedly fail at basic writing tasks, including monologues, adverts and world cinema. Operating as Brooker’s aides, stalwart wordsmiths Graham Linehan and Caitlin Moran follow the candidates around, pulling humourous faces and reporting back to their sardonic master. Of course, no show would be complete without an iconic catchphrase, with Lord Brooker (as they’re forced at gunpoint to call him) points at the latest casualty and tells them to “go away”.

3) Desert Island Devising

A group of sweaty, albino, shirtless writers are stranded on a beautiful desert island, preferably without a Starbucks on it, and then immediately killed off by a horde of unnaturally attractive, white-teethed reality stars who think they can write even more gooder than the people they just cannibalised. The group, now known as the “tribe”, united in the atrocities they committed, must work together to come up with a feature film idea that is guaranteed to sell – otherwise another tribe will come along, eat them and take their place. Each week the tribesfolk will gather together on the beach, and nominate the weakest writer to take their chances and swim out into the endless ocean, because that’s how survival works.

Of course, writing won’t be the only problem the survivors must worry about, as they must hunt and scavenge for supplies simply to stay alive, let alone for something they can write with / on. Tension builds over the course of the series, often leading to divides in the camp that possibly jeopardise the integrity of their finished idea. Come rain or shine though, the remaining three writers have to pitch the film at the end of the series to an angry Tiki God found in the centre of the dense jungle. Should the Tiki God accept the idea as a sacrifice, it’ll call upon a Hollywood studio executive who will helicopter in and rescue the winners. Also, we’ll throw some polar bears into the mix too, just to spice things up.

4) Keeping Up With The Kaufmans

Following the traumatic events of Adaptation, Charlie Kaufman lets camera crews into his home to keep track of the zany, possibly imaginary family he now lives with. Part scripted-reality, part meta narrative, we follow the day to day exploits of the prolific writer, as he questions his own career, his existence, the existence of the camera crew following him and us, the audience watching him. Unlike the Kardashians, the Kaufmans actively try to not be famous, whilst still following their numerous creative passions, until the paradox begins to condense reality into a creative singularity. Needless to say, things get a little wild.

On top of this exclusive peak at a family life he never wanted to you to see (or did he?), there are numerous behind the scenes clips of his personal struggles during the productions of his last few movies, shedding new light upon the enigma. However, given the fact that such footage exists from before the show began, would that not imply that Kaufman was weaving the narrative before he even knew there was one? Would that not imply that Kaufman has extensive knowledge of how his life will play out, based on logical assumptions and characteristic observation?! Would that not imply that Kaufman is a God who can see the future, perhaps even the aforementioned Tiki God from Desert Island Devising?! WOULD THAT NOT IMPLY THAT WE WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO KEEP UP WITH THE KAUFMANS?!?!?!

Tune in to find out.

James Cottle, after studying Scriptwriting for 4 years, is now an embittered real life freelance writer, and seeks to unlearn everything he knows. But he needs your help... Follow him on Twitter @Jxmxsc and share this blog to help spread his anarchic plight for reform amongst the writing masses.

Top 20 Inspirational Quotes That Inspire Me to Punch The Writer In The Face

We all need a little pick-me-up from time to time. Needless to say, most rational people will seek the solace of a friend, family member or a mysterious market merchant peddling magical jewellery. The internet’s inevitable means of combating this and becoming the one-stop shop for harmless advice is to endlessly spew out images (?) of seemingly random “feel good” words. That way, people can share the quotes with their friends on social media who didn’t need / ask for them. A quick Google search inspired me to compile this list (grammar verbatim)...

20)

“Wake up every morning with the thought that something wonderful is about to happen.”

Then go and brush your teeth, empty your bladder, change out of your sweaty PJs, do your taxes, sit in your hour long commute through dense traffic, etc.

19) 

“To live is the rarest thing in the world most people exist, that is all”

Yeah, you heard right. Loads of people you know aren’t actually living. They have no lives outside of your little bubble. You’re the centre of the goddamn world.

18) 

“You’ve got what it takes, but it will take everything you’ve got.”

In that case, you might as well not do it, because then you won’t be able to do anything else afterwards.

17) 

“A simple hello could lead to a million things.”

Like a £1 million lawsuit, followed by a restraining order. Most of the time though, they’ll just say “hello” back.

16) 

“The happiest people don’t have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything.”

Of course, if you don’t have anything in the first place, then you have nothing to make the best of, and making the best of nothing is basically the same as making the worst out of something.

15) 

“Don’t be a woman that needs a man... Be a woman a man needs!”

Because, like it or not, your existence is always dependent on your relationship towards men, especially when you don’t want them.

14) 

“You only live once but if you do it right once is enough”

That’s right! There’s no afterlife! When it’s over, it’s over! Sorry we didn’t tell you this sooner, but you pretty much get zero second chances with this. #yolo

13) 

“sometimes you have to give up on people. not because you don’t care, but because they don’t.”

It’s totally fine that you don’t care about anything though. That’s why abandoning people comes so easy to you. And don’t get me started on how little you care about capitalisation.

12) 

“Remind yourself that it’s okay not to be perfect.”

Do this and you can pretty much get away with anything you do being a half-arsed job. People will accept mediocrity if it’s expected.

11) 

“Everyday is a second chance”

Because nothing you did yesterday matters, or will ever come back to haunt you.

10) 

“Don’t follow your dreams, chase them.”

Stalking is infinitely more efficient when it’s done at speed. Your relentless pursuit will endear you to them in the end.

9) 

“Judging a person does not Define who they are. It defines who you are.”

And you are a person who has never met a professional critic before.

8) 

“just because something isn’t happening for you right now doesn’t mean that it will never happen.”

Basically, it’s only a matter of time before you encounter a killer hitchhiker on this foggy, isolated road, so be patient.

7) 

“When you want to succeed as much as you want to breathe, that’s when you will be successful”

Because that way – Oh, wait. You died from lack of oxygen years ago.

6) 

“Life is so much brighter when we focus on what truly matters.......”

I’m sorry, what were you saying? I was too busy weeping in the corner on account of that hideous ellipsis.

5) 

“When writing the story of your life, don’t let anyone else hold the pen.”

Fun Fact: 99% of Hollywood Biopics are written by the subject’s zombie counterpart. Seriously though, the pen is really expensive.

4) 

“The only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday.”

Honestly, you sucked yesterday. In fact, everything you’ve done up until this point has been pretty sub-par. Sort it out.

3) 

“Feelings are much like waves, we can’t stop them from coming but we can choose which ones to surf.”

Right, because tsunamis are caused by “strong emotions”. Of course, if you can’t surf then you are pretty royally screwed anyway.

2) 

“There is no elevator to success. You have to take the stairs”

Unless you happen to have a private pass key for the exclusive Nepotism Elevator.

1) 

“Always wrong persons teach the right lessons of life”

Uhhh... Sorry, what?

James Cottle, after studying Scriptwriting for 4 years, is now an embittered real life freelance writer, and seeks to unlearn everything he knows. But he needs your help... Follow him on Twitter @Jxmxsc and share this blog to help spread his anarchic plight for reform amongst the writing masses.

So You've Accidentally Kidnapped A Movie Producer...

First of all, relax. Don’t panic. The fact that you’re seeking out this advice online is the best possible first move you can make in this situation. In fact, I wouldn’t even be writing this if the producer currently bound and gagged in my warehouse didn’t give me a desperate nod of approval. It’s a situation you’re likely to find yourself in several times over your career, so you may as well learn how to get the most out of this thrice-in-a-lifetime experience.

1) Evaluate Your “Grab”

Of course the very notion of accidentally kidnapping someone is quite a stretch, considering the sizeable amount of effort it takes to undertake such an act. Nevertheless, at some point you gave into your subconscious desire and told yourself “I’m going to do this”, and now you’ve got to roll with that. Whether it was the result of a team meeting gone awry, a coffee house liaison that went a little tepid or just a common disagreement at a bus stop about the quality of Man of Steel, the time and place of your grab will dictate your crucial next steps.

Firstly, is the kidnappee aware of where you’ve taken them? If you were both dining in your living room watching ESPN moments before the grab, and now they’re magically in a basement, they’re going to know it belongs to you. The trick is to find a secluded, untraceable location, and have them blindfolded in the boot of your pickup truck en route (you’ve kidnapped someone – of course you own a pickup truck). Next, be sure the chair they’re tied to isn’t positioned near to any sharp metal, or that your producer happens to have slipped some of your silverware into their pockets. That’s as much a health and safety tip as an escape prevention tip.

2) Do Not Call The Police

This is a situation that will soon run its course. There’s no need to get external parties involved at any point. If you are, however, feeling pangs of guilt coursing through your facial hair (you’ve kidnapped someone – of course you have facial hair), here are few quick tips on how you can stay true to the course: 1) Turn off your mobile phone, no matter how tempting it is to pass the time with some Angry Birds right now. 2) Hide your mobile phone from yourself, doing your best to forget where you hid it. 3) Realise you can’t forget where you hid it, and just set that hiding place on fire. This method has worked numerous times for me, and will save you considerable money on phone contracts.

The point of this whole exercise is to make you a more assertive writer. You’ve spent your career pandering to the wants and needs of others, but now you’ve taken a bit of that power back for yourself. Other than the numerous legal and ethical codes you are currently violating, good on you. However, after the ceremonial phone burning, you’re now at a point of no return, and the horrible, disturbing truth of what you’ve done may start to dawn you – this is where many panic and botch what some would consider a valuable opportunity for a one-on-one pitch meeting...

3) Get Pitching

It’s worth mentioning that this is the stage where you should probably check that your unwilling guest is actually a movie producer, and not some lackey sent to let you down easy. If it’s the latter, just run away. If the former then congratulations - now is your chance to share some ideas with your single submissive audience member. Presumably, your abduction, like 98% of abductions, was purely because they didn’t dig one of your movie loglines. Have a list of reasons ready as to why they should be digging it – convince them. The lengths you’ve already gone to should help in making you appear to be serious.

If for some terrified reason they still aren’t particularly going nuts for your big movie idea, be sure to have a number of backups ready to pitch, like the one about the French Revolution set in space. The beauty of this environment is that you have unlimited time to sell yourself, and, let’s face it, a producer would be pretty silly to feign disinterest at this point. They want to escape their surroundings, so use your natural storytelling talent to help them lose themselves in your ideas. When they finally agree that an idea has potential, have a contract at the ready for them to sign with a free hand, binding their appreciation in writing (note – this brief window of having a single free hand is where over half of your “guests” will try and escape, so be ready to slap them across the face with a leather glove).

4) Devise An Exit Strategy

Sadly, at some point your little heart to heart has to come to an end. Hopefully by now you’ll have been able to secure that all important producer signature of approval by way of convincing or basic Stockholm Syndrome. Never fear if not, however - there’s plenty more producers in the sea (note: the middle of Atlantic Ocean is where many live full time). Now it’s time to wrap this innocent little kidnapping up by one of these tried and tested methods...

1) Knock them out before throwing them back into the sea from whence they came.
2) Collapse to the floor and wake up several hours later, stating that you were under the influence of a powerful hypnotist.
3) Release your “guest” if you feel that Stockholm Syndrome has consumed their minds fully, to the point that they’re basically ready to make love to you on the spot.
4) Knock them out and have them wake up in a hospital bed, explaining that the food you had previously served them contained *INSERT SUBJECT’S ALLERGY HERE*, and that they went into a coma for several weeks. If they ask about the kidnapping, state that it was all a wonderful dream. Joke that at least now they have time to consider the French Revolution set in space idea. They’ll ask you how you could possibly know about that idea. Stare into camera. Cut to Black.

James Cottle, after studying Scriptwriting for 4 years, is now an embittered real life freelance writer, and seeks to unlearn everything he knows. But he needs your help... Follow him on Twitter @Jxmxsc and share this blog to help spread his anarchic plight for reform amongst the writing masses.